Jan 12, 20212 min read

Good Intentions

There is a tendency to forget that good intentions do not negate insensitivity and hurtful impacts.

We had people try to quickly usher us past the trauma of our out-of-order and traumatic loss - asking about more children even while my post partum body had not yet accepted that there was no little boy to nurture, encouragements to Press On and visualize happiness.

There are some things you cannot “mindfulness” your way out of.

They just have to be lived through.

Lived with.

Carried.

You are a lucky fool that you do not understand, I think.

More than this, these interactions build up such a rage inside of me!

I talked about my anger with my grief counselor a little while ago, and she shared that anger is often a cover for deeper feelings - usually of isolation, abandonment, and fear. She shared that anger is a protection.

She validated that normal people get angry. She validated that nothing is wrong with me for expressing anger. Anger is part of grief, and grief is part of me.

Anger also tends to require change - it requires a response to injustice so I can’t just Press On with the person without the hurt being acknowledged, particularly as it relates to my grief.

This was my call for change:

You hold your good intentions in the highest esteem;

Even above the impact.

Hear me!

Those good intentions landed like bird poop in freshly washed hair.

Those good intentions stung like a piece of paper slicing through my finger.

How is it possible for paper to hurt so much?

So seemingly innocuous, and yet

I do not feel safe.

You are not safe.

Those good intentions silenced me.

Those good intentions isolated me.